The Oblivious Bride – Who Officiates the Officiant?
While we continue to tackle the larger elements of wedding planning like finding our caterer and DJ, the most common question asked of us is “who’s going to marry you?” That is because Chris, my fiancé, has officiated seven weddings himself. As we consider who we’d like to perform our ceremony, I thought I’d ask Chris to explain what he’s learned about being a good officiant:
It has been almost exactly 6 years since I performed my first wedding ceremony as an officiant for two close friends of mine on a beach at beautiful Lake Tahoe, CA. I vividly recall that gorgeous June day, standing in front of one hundred pairs of focused eyes, trying to remember the thousand things I had rehearsed; speak clearly, annunciate, smile, look up, don’t…screw..this…up…. It was one of the most intense, exhilarating, and enchanting moments that I can recall; quite literally standing between two dear friends about to begin their lifelong journey together – and conducting them on their way.
The word got out and I have since performed 6 other ceremonies for friends and family alike. Large weddings, small weddings, spiritual and non, long ceremonies, and short. To me, the benefits, and the appeal of enlisting a trusted friend or family member to conduct the wedding ceremony are immediate: greater personal involvement, reduced costs, collaborative creativity, and enduring memories. On that note, I’ll try to conclude this first installment with one of the cardinal rules for ceremony performers.
Elicit input from the couple.
At the end of the day, you have one customer – you had better know exactly what they want: do that. Given the sheer volume of decisions required to produce a wedding, anything you can do to make the ceremony portion simple and effective will be greatly appreciated. This foremost includes being pro-active and informed about the ceremony so that you may act as a trusted expert, creating a sense of confidence and comfort for the couple that the ceremony will be exceptional.
Start with a ceremony that was previously performed; ask around for someone who has performed a ceremony – copy theirs. Perform research to find wording and passages that you feel reflect the couple’s life and relationship – simply ask them if you need guidance. Favorite Poems? Favorite Book? Favorite Wedding passages? While drafting, be aware of your boundaries: How long is the ceremony? What theatrical elements will be included (readings, songs, candle lighting, blessings, others?). Is the couple writing their own vows? Personalize these elements to the couple where possible – this is one of the primary benefits to selecting a trusted friend or family member to perform the ceremony. Compile the elements into a ceremony that can be easily read and understood. Write speaking parts as you would when reading a Play – test them by saying them out loud. Send the draft ceremony to the couple for review then setup a lunch meeting and spend no more than a half-hour working through iterations and elements with them; remember to minimize the impact to their time and decision-making resources. When they are happy with the envisioned presentation, walk through the ceremony with them one more time…
… then go Practice!
Next Week: Who Officiates the Officiant, part 2
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Lenicam
Laura Taylor
Eugene
Alouise
Yes I agree with your points. They grasp the essentials for sure. Having conducted 400 weddings – I still love what I do because I focus on the couple’s joy and love for the day. When a bride and groom decide to have a friend conduct most of the ceremony – i try to mentor them to be the best they can. I still need to do the legal parts but the friend really adds something. For example: http://wp.me/pMIlZ-7d
Alan – that story in your link is a great idea on how to incorporate friends/loved ones while still respecting the legal requirements. In most counties in the State of California, there are looser requirements on who can perform the ceremony, meaning Chris – ordained through ULC – is able to “solemnize” the marriage. Thanks for your input and linking your blog!
You make some wonderful and valid points, although I would caution a couple against simply copying someone else’s ceremony–or even using it as a basis to craft theirs. Every couple is so different and trying to pigeon-hole oneself by starting out with the script of another’s wedding might get frustrating.
Your cardinal rule is a good one, and tantamount to the success of any wedding ceremony.